Mother by Default

Today, Joan is on her way to the airport.  She works as a nurse at King Abdul Ahsis Hospital at the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.  She gave her twin sons a big hug and left with a heavy heart.  She will wake up everyday wishing she was with Mizzi and Mhel.  Yet, she will sacrifice being with them so she can guarantee a better future for her sons.

My mom used to be on the other side of the equation.  My dad is a retired ship captain and mom would watch him hug us goodbye.  I remember the feeling of not having dad around all the time.  He was not there when Ate, Kuya and I were born, walked and talked for the first time, graduated from elementary and high school, learned how to ride the bike, drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes.  My mom was our father, too.

Jae is Joan’s younger sister.  She doesn’t own a restaurant or hotel or work for a large company.  She is 30 and she gave up her life’s potential.  She willingly chose to take care of Mizzi and Mhel. 

 

I am surrounded by women who are testaments of what motherhood is all about.  Their stories of sacrifice, selfless acts and unconditional love surpass any hero’s tale.  They are the true heroes. 

I am a mother of a 3-month old beautiful baby.  Though I giggled as friends and colleagues greeted me (it was my first-ever mother’s day celebration), I felt uncomfortable.  3 months is a short time to deserve the honor and gratitude given to mothers.  For now, I am a mother by default.  But, I look forward to my own stories with Julia. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all moms… and to women who gave their lives to take care of children who are not their own. 

Cesarean By Request

Julia was born 59 minutes late.  My anesthesiologist did not arrive on time.

After 7 years of infertility, I requested for a cesarean delivery on Julia's 38th week of gestational age.  Yes, I opted for a surgical incision in my abdomen and uterus (bikini cut, of course!).  

Four OB-Gynes had the same conclusion.  Polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS.  My ovaries contain small cysts located at the outer layer of each ovary.  How and Why?  I really don't know.  Their explanation fell on deaf ears after I heard that it will be difficult for me to get pregnant because of infrequent ovulation.  It painfully took us 6 years to conceive and I gave birth 26 days after our 7th Wedding Anniversary.

I read numerous articles and blogs about the risks of a cesarean delivery.  In my opinion, most risks are for the mom:  infection, hemorrhage, injury to organs, extended hospital stay and recovery time.  My non-medical brain believes that the risks and complications for the baby during a normal delivery outweigh that of a cesarean delivery.  

Making the decision was easy.  The C-Section increases fetal safety.  Myth or not, I desired for a procedure that is atraumatic for Julia.  A controlled environment where risk is calculated.


Julia Dominiq born on February 4, 7:59am

Since a cesarean delivery may delay rooming-in and breastfeeding, I prepared a countermeasure -- be back in my room ASAP.  After the anesthesia was administered, I didn't close my eyes at all!  I patiently waited for Julia's first cry.  Julia was finally born at 7:59am.  Why is she not crying?  Where are they going to take her?  What's going on?  I panicked.

I wasn't aware of what happened after that.  My mind was going crazy worrying about Julia... until I received a comforting pat.  I heard Dr. Javier say "Everything went well, Belle".  Soon after, I heard Julia cry.  She was placed on my chest for our first "latch-on".


She is my daughter.  Look at that mouth!

I was out of the recovery room in 2 hours (that was part of the countermeasure -- to raise my legs asap.  The moment I could move my legs, I asked the nurse to bring me to my room). 

I waited for 12 hours before they brought Julia to my room.  When I saw Julia with Don, I fell asleep.

Dreams Come True

I googled for pregnancy symptoms:
ü Dizziness

ü Headache

ü   Frequent Urination

It felt different.  My heart pounded with hope as I waited for  the result of the pregnancy test kit I bought during lunch break.  Three minutes passed, I knew it.  

ü False Alarm. Again.

I tossed the test inside my bag and returned to my desk.  Payroll, I thought.  I should finish payroll.  I laughed at myself as I looked at the result again.  Gasp!  Two lines.  TWO LINES!

It can't be true, the 2nd line looked faint.  My heart sank. 

Like I said, it felt different.  So I asked a trusted colleague for a second opinion.  "You're pregnant!," she screamed.

Still unsure, I texted Don. 

      I think I'm pregnant.

   Don:  How did you know?

   Pregnancy test.  But second line is not clear.

   Don:  Ok.

Poor Don.  For 7 years, he has dealt with my "I think I'm pregnant" drama every single month.  Each time, he would hug me and say, "It's okay.  Maybe next time."

Despite the unemotional text reply, Don couldn't hide his excitement when he saw the not-so-positive-yet pregnancy test result.  He bought 2 more tests, but we decided to wait until the next day to test again.

I couldn't sleep.  I was even holding on to my pee to make sure I have enough urine for 2 pregnancy test kits (Crazy!). 

At 6am, Don and I were beaming.  3 tests.  All positive.  Dreams do come true.

Exactly a year ago, May 7 is the first day of my last menstrual period.  

Hence, the first day of Julia's gestational age.

I know.

I was lying perfectly still.  I was anxiously waiting for Dr. Pastorfide's instruction to get up from that small and uncomfortable clinic bed.  It was the last day of 2007 and I had just finished my fertility treatment.


Intrauterine insemination is a procedure which involves placing a sperm inside a woman's uterus to facilitate fertilization.  I vaguely remember the procedure.  What I couldn't forget was how Don's reassuring hand felt as we walked towards the doctor's office.


We hoped for a child as we welcomed the new year.  But she never came that year.
Fertility treatments can cause marital stress and psychological instability.  So when In Vitro Fertilization was suggested, Don and I decided to take a rest from all the work ups.  Aside from the financial requirement of the treatment, we thought we were not ready to face the "last option".


Just when I mastered my blank expression as I answer why-are-you-still-without-child questions and my its-no-big-deal smile when I hear reassuring words from family, friends and yes, even strangers, the pregnancy test finally showed two pink lines. 


No Metformin, no injections, no fertility treatments.  Just a prayer request.


Three years after I wrote that blog (When Storks Stop Flying), I gave birth to Julia Dominiq.  
The storks didn't stop flying.  They didn't skip my doorstep either.


But, it was never up to the storks.  It was all about His divine plan.

To Blog or Not to Blog?

I attempted several times to start my own blog.  As I start to type my thoughts, my finger would reach for the delete button.  Then, I would mentally itemize my hesitations.  Not knowing what to write about and where to start were on top of my list.  So last night I decided: I will not blog.

Today, at work, I received an email with this subject:  New comment on your post #5 "When Storks Stop Flying"
[LANGGA] Comment: "When Storks Stop Flying"

My post? I have a blog?! 

I opened the link and I was surprised to read:

When Storks Stop Flying

I used to believe that having a child is as easy as waiting for a stork to drop by. 
My view of the level of difficulty (and excitement!) changed a whole lot when I learned about the flowers and bees.
But, I said to myself, it’s still easy…
Until I watched the movie Nine Months..
How can so much pain bring unexplainable joy and fulfillment?
Again, I said to myself, it will be worth it.  It’s easy.
But after four years of being married and doing EVERYTHING to get pregnant, I finally admitted to myself,  It will never be easy… at least for me.
Now having a baby is all about needles and ultrasounds for me.  It will never be easy but it will be worth it.
So did the storks really stop flying?  Or did they just skip my front door?
I will never know.
--------------------

I did start a blog in 2008.  God amazes me in many ways.  I didn't ask and yet He answered.  Now I know what to write about and I definitely know where to start.

I will blog.